Author Archives: Dave


As a youth al I ever wanted was to have my name on a record. Because having your name on a record, in my opinion, this was the pinnacle of creativity, when in reality it was always just a loophole conquest to keep the bullies fist still and prevent their comments blowing warm in your [...]

A brief encounter with Britain and Raw Speed.

This definitely was not London. I had calculated that you had to walk upwards of 500 yards to nail a reasonable Latte. I had to flag a cab to drag me to a Panini. A man becomes soft very easily so always welcome trials of the like I am about to explain. Embrace the fear, [...]

Holmeside. Sunderlands left bank

There was a time when hooligans garnered approval from engraining the tread of their DM’s upon the cheek of their fellow pugilists. But thanks to something called culture, every anoraked sniff hack is a pseudo academic. Like menopausal mothers who have read Harry Potter and try writing there own; these ball warts are in danger [...]

The Day the Nomad Returned

It goes without saying that the following events probably didn’t happen. I think it must have been roughly 3 in the morning. It was hard to tell or care as this phoenix, aflame and almost vibrating with ferocity had been threatening to swoop from the pelmet of the curtains for a good hour. For now [...]

Job Centre Plus. Plus what exactly

The following, as always, is an accurate portrayal of what happened on 2nd February, in the year 2010. I have not changed the names to protect the identities as these leeches don’t deserve anonymity. I reserve judgment until this trip is well and truly over. From what I read, what I am told and now, [...]


I’m not saying I want to have my cock sucked in a toilet. In fact I’ll make my position clear here and now, I would rather not put my chucky in a gentleman’s mouth in a toilet. Myself and fellow Heartstring (he’s the Heartstrings Heartstring in my opinion) had garnered a particularly unhealthy obsession with [...]

Look Back and Avert Anger. Movement 1

There cannot be more than 2 weeks since the age of 17 that I have not been in a band. And even then I imagine I would be plotting some ghastly glam rock outfit with whatever drug addicts had the amps….and the drugs…..and legs and shit. The first ham fisted outfit I was part of [...]

The Twelve Days Of My Fucking Awesome!

1. I should probably straighten a few things out before I get all red and angry and shit. I am no more arrogant than I was last year. You just think I should be because you can’t handle that im fucking awesome. 2. I don’t want to sleep with your girlfriend. I presume she has [...]

Anti Fable

In many respects this band/myself have a lot in common with Manchester; we have Strangeways (copy write John Shuttleworth). I don’t know why I feel the need to offer a disclaimer every time I post a blog so for one and for all, I swear this happened and there is no fluffing or conjecture to [...]

This didnt happen to your band!

Several weeks ago I seemingly had a bout of ‘yes’ tourettes. Now, I am admittedly a caustic cunt but encompassing this fact and indeed milking it makes me basically a nice guy. This is why I find myself in a dark cold club asking dumb fucking pole dancers about Marxism via a public address system [...]

A brief encounter with a man in electric blue leisure wear

Id never been recognised for anything id been proud of, so imagine my surprise at being “Heartstringed” in Ashbrooke Stores, on Sunday, About 10.30 am, near the Rustlers Burgers. I didn’t buy one. But drug addled caustic readers of Blighty, this is Sunderland and we do things differently here. Now, when they make Frankie and [...]

Saturday night Sudays boring

I’m not totally convinced we have done ourselves any favours yesterday if I am perfectly honest. We spend a lot of time explaining to commoners that we are not the twee, doily chewing crotched damp fops as we have been portrayed. I imagine the best way to combat that is for three fifths of team [...]

Estate of play

Well, the customary thing to do would be to grace you with a retrospective look at yesterdays happenings would it not. But that wouldn’t do. Sure, so we got played by Jo Whiley…yeah, Zane Lowe dropped dat shid……what’s that, the press are chomping on your Herbert; freakin A they are. The way I look at [...]

An open letter to Heartstrings and the people of Leeds Village

Yes, well that’s all very well Mr Francis but there are fundamental and practical elements to be discussed. Points for discussion…. 1. What sandwiches should I make? I understand that my Chorizo, Goats Cheese and Beetroot Chutney Baguette is now an established work of genius. Although my Char grilled Chicken with Tarragon Mayo remains an [...]